robert criss

everything or selected works

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slackjaw​

dave & the dog​

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as much as i miss her, it was grandma's time to walk with the grim reapster

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i think the red line crossing out the swastika on your shirt could be a tad thicker

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i was really moved by your beautiful trombone solo until you pressed a button and made the instrument ejaculate a liter of spit​

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alec baldwin says he'll never work on a film set with guns ever again but he hasn't read my action/adventure screenplay​

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why do i have to identify john lennon's dead body if he's one of the most identifiable people of all time?​

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quiz: in 1997, trisha yearwood and leann rimes had the song "how do i live" on the radio at the same time. can you tell them apart?​

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you don't like my bedazzled crown of thorns? wow, so now you're persecuting me like i'm Jesus Christ​

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oh no, i just realized i'll never be able to see the elephant's foot at chernobyl!​

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hello, i'm alfonso cuarón and i desperately need help deciding what my next project should be​

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the 51 terms for snow that i invented to one up the inuits

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a rhyme to help remember the former presidents of the smiling hill farm company, family-owned since 1720​

 

the many ways to pronounce potato and tomato​

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i'm the foley artist whose movie won the palme d'or and now i teach NYU students – 50K a semester – how i created all the sound effects with my ass

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excuse me, one of the strippers stole my hat and i'd appreciate if i could have it back please ​

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negative reviews of Music edited by sia’s assistant so she wouldn’t get upset when she read them

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an early draft of john cougar mellencamp’s song Small Town that used the phrase “small town” even more liberally than the final version

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sheriff flirts with tumbleweed that has juicy, feminine lips

 

world record marathon times vs. how long it took to drive the same length

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points in case

easy "would you rather..." questions  (featured in A Newsletter of Humorous Writing)

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i've got good news and bad news​

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indisputable facts about penguins

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biblical figures stub their toe

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i don't feel like the dish soap we fed those oil-covered ducks really did anything helpful​

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what i said in the handshake line after the hockey game where i told the media we'd win, sang a taunting rendition of the national anthem, talked way too much trash, and lost fifteen to zero

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no, i didn't name my child michael jordackson so he'd aspire for greatness as an nba player or world-renowned musician (featured)

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signs that the person you're talking to might be from new york​

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the yard work will have to wait until i recover from this nasty case of havana syndrome​

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i mcthink there was mcsomething in that mcchicken​

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an open letter to people who hold up their middle finger in instagram photos​

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SIR, I AM NOT PLEASURING MYSELF TO THE PIN-UP GIRLS PAINTED ON THE SIDE OF THE WARPLANES, SIR

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parallel universes where a football coach wins the game and the team dumps gatorade on him (featured)

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words and phrases banned from the U.S. mint staff email where employees print $38 million a day for $40,000 a year (featured)

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aphorisms from the notebook of a guy who is really into cured meats​

 

secret menu from the long john silver's next to an apartment that sells adderall ​

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my family is going to be so surprised when i jump out of this paper refuse bag today, yard waste collection day​

 

farm to table. table to fork. fork to mouth. food to throat. air to throat. hands to chest. hands to chest. hands to chest. (featured)​

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on second thought, swallowing my car keys to avoid getting carjacked was probably a bad idea (featured)

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i finished making my first batch of chardonnay and i'm looking forward to selling it in 17 years​

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suggestions from the suggestion box at my teppanyaki restaurant where i make all the food with my bare hands (featured)

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now that i've power washed my marriage proposal to you, i guess i can't finish power washing the rest of the driveway​

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SORRY I HAVE TO YELL OVER THE MUSIC IN THIS NIGHTCLUB BUT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE SUCCUMBING TO ENNUI BRO  (featured)​

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FAQ about the hell button i had installed in the elevator  (featured)

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broadcast of a baseball game between dads checking on a sound in the middle of the night with baseball bats and louisville slugger factory workers who test bats for quality assurance  (featured)

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breaking the news to my 85 year old grandpa that he missed halley's comet and it won't be back until 2061​

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the order of all things that has not at all been affected by my recent oil change​

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quiz: beekeeper suit or fencing uniform?

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the total amount of money in each of our ​swear jars since 147 chilean rose hair tarantulas invaded our home as heard on Seersucker Live 2020

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list: 20 more eerie coincidences between lincoln & JFK's assassinations

 

how to parallel park a limousine in a laser security maze

 

scooby doo's best man speech at shaggy's wedding

 

the email conversation i had with my middle school vice principal after repeatedly butt-dialing him while riding a mechanical bull

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two fifty one

famous last words​

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i got two words for you: help me​

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patriotic erotica †

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kennedys who are preferable to RFK Jr. †

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last surviving witnesses to historical maritime events​ 

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i'm out of order? you're out of order! this whole court is out of order!​

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can you turn off the heart monitor while i perform this surgery, it​'s making me really nervous

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if you gave me money, i wouldn't be mad​

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worst times to play the name game

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there are way too many people crowd-surfing right now​

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the lyrics to kool & the gang by the band kool & the gang off their debut album "kool and the gang"​

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results of the survey I conducted asking people if they like my new hat​

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guilt-induced monologue: blaming yourself ​

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a list of every notable person who wore a hitler mustache​

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weekly humorist

you want me to talk? what's next, i gotta sing and dance?​

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resolving the diarrhea paradox​

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24/7 diners on every celestial body​

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an awkward silence in the car​

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fight or flight or flex​

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how NFL teams got their names best of the year: editor's picks of 2022

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if only my immigrant great grandfather could see me now, he'd say "where am i?" best of the year: editor's picks of 2022

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three digit phone numbers to memorize next time you're in a jam​

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i love self-checkout because i never steal and i always pay for each of my items every time best of the year: editor's picks of 2022

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brainstorm for dolly parton's google doodle​

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closing credits from the biopic of charles lindbergh's baby​

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we're the restaurant underneath the eiffel tower and people have traveled from all over the world to eat our food!

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i'm a 9 year old piano prodigy and pay no mind to the scars all over my body​

 

wow, i thought i was having a psychotic episode but it was just that weird suction noise my water bottle makes​

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whoever keeps spreading rumors around about me being really charming needs to stop it right now

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the doctor says i need more cheese in my diet and that you can take it up with him if you disagree or think i'm lying because i'm not best of the year: editor's picks of 2021

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no, i don't have a gambling problem and here's the bank statement from my trip to the carnival to prove it​

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how to do the impossible: getting water out of a tire​

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a layman's understanding of food recipes​

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quiz: pizza cutter wheel or a doctor's head mirror?​

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angel & devil on my shoulders can agree on one thing: the dandruff also on my shoulders is gross best of the year: editor's picks of 2020

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witnesses describe a dueling piano bar performance that ended in bloodshed

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unearthed time capsule reveals nothing but this written explanation by a procrastinating time capsule committee from 1979

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medium

i hope i didn't embarrass you by shitting my pants while we sat courtside at the laker game

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robot butt

negative reviews of Waterworld edited by Kevin Costner's assistant so he wouldn't get upset when he read them​

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the very few potential reasons to celebrate anything on july 4th†

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i think something might be going on

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artificial-intelligence generated celebrity impersonations

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flexx magazine

trash can can't handle much more after empty shampoo bottle thrown away

 

father, why does our family tree go dark in the 1930s and '40s and then resurface in 1987?

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i thought i had an okay car until an amber alert showed me that the abductors had a better one

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where's waldo? he needs to pay for his crimes

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dishonourable unmentionables

the lost final chapter of helen keller's biography

 

dishonour the right thing [ebook]

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what i want to say to every guy with straight hair

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what's the best part about your entire family dying from covid-19? the serene thanksgiving you'll have this year!

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exactly where i get off and how i sleep at night since you asked

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little old lady comedy

a literal interpretation of "it's raining men"

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alvin and the chipmunks' christmas song the year after alvin died

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the benefits of living inside the queen piece on a giant outdoor chess board

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the haven

demonstration of bullet points evoking my trauma for bullets​

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why do i even bother? it's all been said before in my novels​

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excerpts from the Cast Away script where wilson the volleyball’s internal monologue was voiced by sir david attenborough

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congratulations! it's been 1 day without an accident!

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hey! it’s me—your tiniest female friend—who’s texting you because this guy’s been following me for 15 blocks so if i stop replying you should call the...hm...

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smokelong quarterly comedy prize 2021​

age i was at my whitest: a comprehensive study (PDF)

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† = collaboration with other writer(s)